Videos and KinderMourn Service

For my first blog post, I thought I’d include a couple of funny videos, and then describe  a touching event we attended yesterday. The first video is of Boone processing his third birthday decorations, and the second is just a good old fashion dance off between Boone and Mary Haven. Haven, as usual, really gets in her own world, and Boone turns his groove on with shades.

KinderMourn Memorial Service

Yesterday we went to a holiday service put on by a local non-profit, KinderMourn, which exists to support the needs of families of kids who have lost a parent, or parents who have lost a child. The organization does a lot of things, but we had heard that this service would be a meaningful way to grieve as a family during the holidays.

Walking into the room we saw covered tables set up with various arts and crafts supplies distributed neatly across the room. We were warmly greeted by several KinderMourn staff members, including one who walked us in to help find a table and demonstrated the creative craft possibilities. The girls were glowing with excitement.

It was emotional for me to even pick up a piece of construction paper as the very act of creating something in honor of Sydney exposed the raw reality that she is gone. It was hard to believe my kids and I belonged in the same room with all these other families, most with single parents, and all smaller than they wished.

But to the kids, it was therapeutic in a beautifully joyful way. It’s as if their expression, limited by words, had finally been given an opening to flow through. And it was wonderful. The girls were thoroughly enjoyed each craft while Boone made one ornament and then went to go hide in the hanging blinds.

Mary Haven, who almost never is able to speak about her grief got my attention and said some of the most intimate words I have heard from her in her life. “Daddy,” she said. “I like drawing and I want to come back to this place every time because I want to be here because mom died.”

Vail could not wait to meet the Drobnick’s, a family who had lost their dad a few years ago, and had sent us an incredibly thoughtful and generous gift basket in the initial days after Sydney’s death. Vail had been asking me for months when we could meet more families and children who have lost a parent. Vail beamed as she met the girls in the family and could not have been more pleased with the connection this afternoon. Not only did she not want to leave, but she has already asked me at least four or five times since then when she could possibly have a play-date.

After making various tree ornaments, memory chains, and decorating a small votive candle holder, the entire group was gathered at the far end of the large room for the candle lighting service. Then, one by one, each family walked to the front of the room and lit their candle in honor of their loved one. One member announced the name and the relation of the person they were memorializing and left the candles up front to burn together in the uniquely colored votive holders.

It’s hard to explain how powerful, sad, and meaningful this exercise was. It was like there was something holy and priceless about this ceremony that shined a light on the truth and pain of these peoples stories. Behind every name spoken stood a family whose hearts were broken, and lives entirely affected. Not just figuratively, but literally.

About half way though Mary Haven got my attention and said, “Dad, I’m sad because I miss mom.” I can’t tell you how precious these words were. Part of me wanted to curl up and die hearing these words from a five year old mouth, and another part wanted to celebrate with a loud “yes!” finally seeing a clear expression of her little heart’s grief. “So do I,” I told her, and we talked about her feelings for a minute.

At bedtime, as usual, emotions from the day also bubbled to the surface. So we worked through these as well. While it was a very heavy day, and full of emotion, in retrospect, these are the days I feel are probably most beneficial to us as a family. Wading through that stuff together, not only allows for healing, but creates a bond with others who are in the same boat.

Thanks for walking with us,

Todd